Searching for the light...*

Don't know why I do this anymore...

2011-05-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

I thought that if time went by, you'd realise how much I loved you. But I'm just deceiving myself. You don't care. You don't care what I think. You know me so well but you don't know that I love you.

You call me when you're drunk, and despite my parents disapproving, I still come out to drive you home no matter how late or far. I've never said no. I always think of you first, even if I have $1 in my pocket, I want to spend it on you. When something funny happens, I tell you first, even the things closest to my heart, I share with you and no one else.

But what do you do for me?

You call me when you want, you find me when you need. What's in it for me?
You tell me when you meet someone, how you think they're attractive, how you ask for their number, ask them out.

What about me?

It seems as though I'm that girl that you'll go to when you feel like it.
I'm so tired, I can't pretend to be okay with it anymore.

Eventually the flame that burns so brightly for you will die out. And so will I...

Is it because I'm always here that you take me for granted?
Because whenever you need me, I'm always around?
I sometimes think what if? What if one day I just disappeared. One day you would no longer be able to see me, find me. Would you miss me then? Or would you simply brush it off and move on with your life? Would it make you feel that perhaps I did matter?

I don't know anymore. I'm too tired to hold on to this hope, or what's left of it...
One day, when the time is right, I'll say my goodbye. forever.

Forever...?

2011-03-28T02:00:00.000-07:00

I know so clearly that we are just what we are, and nothing more.
I asked him the other night on the phone,

me: anhiee, do you think we'll still be able to talk on the phone every night when you have a girlfriend?

him: of course, if shes my girlfriend, she'll know the connection we have.

me: but what if she is jealous, and doesn't let us talk on the phone?

him: no, if she's jealous, i don't want her. We'll have our phone calls foreverr!

me: forever...? nothing lasts forever...

That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, forever huh...but even if I wanted to, even if your future girlfriend is okay with us talking, I'm afraid I won't have the courage, the ability, to see you happy with her, and I won't be able to do anything about it, I'll just have to sit and wish you happiness.

The more I see of you, the harder I fall.
One day, when you come to me with the news I don't want to hear.
I just might fall so hard and never wake to see the light again.

Just to be with you...

2011-03-13T04:44:00.000-07:00

I go out of my way to spend more time with you, going home with you. It's our only time we can spend together, even though I know it takes even longer, I still choose to do so.
Just to be with you
We were driving the other night, and we were talking about the previous person I liked, I accidentally said that I liked you. You laughed and said oh really? why thank you...
But infact, what I said was true.

The dimming light.

2010-12-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

I thought you were my lightbulb...but it feels as though it's dimming and slowly drifting from me.
I don't know what I've done...

Don't want to hold you back...

2010-11-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I don't know what to do, but one thing I'm sure of is that I shouldn't be with you. You have a bright future ahead and things you want to do, like teaching in overseas schools. I don't want fo be selfish and ask you to stay because I know you wouldn't be happy that way. So I wish you the best in your future, I'll support you all the way.
I love you...goodbye

you.

2010-10-27T03:39:00.000-07:00

You asked me today whether I would miss you if you left, I wanted so much to say yes. But I don't want to be selfish, I want you to be happy and live your life with no regrets. Even if that means I will regret my decision for the rest of my life.

I've grown accustomed to your presence. To hear that you want to move overseas, feels like I'm being cut with a knife over and over again yet I have to continue smiling for you. We spend so much time together, we talk online every day, we talk on the phone most nights, and I find every excuse I can to see you, but I don't think you get my hints.

You always tell me how you meet someone new, ask me what you should do, I tell you to go for it, go with your heart and go for the girl you like, and I wish so much that I was the one, but you tell me you haven't found the one that you share a spark with.

You've become part of my routine, without you I feel like there's a crucial piece of me missing, I wait until you come online every day, every night I'm watching the clock, and constantly checking my phone to see if you call. I don't know how I will move on if you move away, or of I will ever have to ability to move on by myself.

You always give me hope to carry on, to wait for you, you react, I respond. But I want a different response from you. I want that response from you.

I'm so tired of waiting for you now...I don't know how much longer I will be able to withstand this pain, seeing you searching for your spark, when I'm here right next to you. Please give me a response, the one I'm looking for. You've opened the window to my heart and stepped in, without you, it will leave a hole and bleed.

幾多溫柔葬深海幾多心血難復再
　沒有天賜愛但仍信愛地塌天崩不悔改
　忘記心魔平復障礙天窗總會為你開
　多少死去再活來痛愛讓渺小肩膊負載
...

tired of this =(

2010-10-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

I feel so tired for being the one that always has to do everything. No one understands the way I feel, no one knows the things I have to do.
It may sound childish, but why did I have to be the eldest child? Always being asked to do this, to do that, read letters, fill out forms, print this, write that.

I don't know how much longer I can take, theres so much stress but no one sees it, because I have to pretend like nothing's wrong, and try to make others happy.
I'm happy that I can make people feel happy, but what about me? Who is here to make me happy when I need it?

My parents always tell me to do things because I know how to do it, and I try to do my best, even if I'm not fast but it seems as though what I do is never good enough for them, like I should do things right now and get them done asap right after they tell me. They don't understand that I have uni, extra curricular activities, hw, assignments and work for them, and I need a life, which I don't at the moment.

They question why I don't have a boyfriend, maybe the fact that I travel 2.5 hours home to work on weekends is one reason...

I'm just so tired, I'm tired of waiting for you, I thought you would be over her, but it seems as though you aren't, I can feel it...
I wish soo hard that you could one day read my thoughts, even if it were just the one single thought, but you're so oblivious.

Buying souvenirs for people...

2010-10-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

So is buying souvenirs for people an act of kindness or has it become a requirement when going on holidays these days?
It's one of those things that begins to bug me. So I'm on holidays and I would love to buy presents for others because I genuinely WANT to, but since you asked, I feel like what the hell dude? all you care is about what you can get? selfish much??

You see a friend go on a vacation, and you see some people telling them to enjoy their holiday and make the most of it, and some other people that don't even bother to ask and just say, can you get me this? have you bought me that? did you remember my shopping list? blah blah blah.

I just think it is rude. To those that demand things, please shut up for a minute and be considerate of your friend! If you are a real friend, you'd be happy for them to have a wonderful time and come back with exciting stories to tell you.
And for the poor vacationers out there racking your brains spending half your holiday and money on buying things for others, be good to yourself for once and enjoy your holiday, after all, it is a time for yourself, not for others. You are definitely not a butler with a shopping list going out to buy stuff for everyone.

So, all I can say is enjoy your holiday and be happy =] Real friends care about you, not your gifts.

over and out,

MD
xoxo

Made in Dagenham

2010-10-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I was lucky enough to receive complimentary tickets to an advanced screening of Made in Dagenham. A UK based movie set in 1968, it was a movie like none I'd ever seen before. the story revolves around a group of ladies working in Ford's factories in Dagenham and stand up fighting for rights and equal pay.
The movie was such an inspirational movie and it brought tears and smiles to me and definitely one I enjoyed very much. The movie was not only entertaining but seemed to have a moral. It inspired and empowered me, it gave me strength and led me to believe that I can fight for what I believe in.
I highly recommend this movie to young and old. I assure you will get something very special out of this movie, and you will enjoy it too.

More information available here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1371155/

without you....

2010-10-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

Everytime I hear your voice, you make me miss you more, you say something to me but don't stay to talk. now I'm hanging here by a thread. It feels as though this is all we can be, separated by a piece of thread, so close, yet so far.

I don't know what you're really thinking, you ask if I miss you, of course I do, but its so hard for me to say, because I'm so scared that you will know how I feel, but if I don't say it, what am I going to do?

It's like our timing is always out of sync, I wait for you but you don't appear, and when you do, I'm nowhere near. I feel tired now...

I don't know how much longer I can wait, I'm counting down the days that I'll be able to see you again.

Without you, even spending each day seems as if something important is missing, I feel like I can't breath...

MD

2010-10-07T17:07:00.001-07:00

I miss having you all to myself...

never say goodbye...

2010-10-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

I don't like to say goodbyes, its as if the words mean that we will never see each other again, and it hurts me to even have a tinsy bit of that idea in my mind.
If you could do one thing for me, I'd request that you never say goodbye, because I want to see you again, I need to see you again.
I want to be the one to say it first, I can't bare to see you turn your back and walk away...

2010-10-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

sleepless nights all because of you. i wait. you don't appear, i finally sleep, you appear.

i wanna be....

2010-09-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

I wanna be the one you hold tight,
I wanna be the one you miss at night,
I wanna be the one you're searching for
I wanna be I wanna be

boy you say that you miss me and the things that we do
your words are driving me crazy
cos thats all im thinking too
but i know your not thinking that way
'cause you remind me everyday

i keep questioning myself,
why didn't i tell you right at the start
that i loved you more than just friends
but i was afraid it'd bring us to the end...

if only you knew what i was searching for
if only you knew who my heart was beating for
if only you could feel the same way as me
if only you could be standin here right next to me....

written by MD

perhaps perhaps perhaps...

2010-09-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

Perhaps not talking to you would have been the best option.
Perhaps I should have detached myself away from you.
Perhaps I should have never told you about my instincts so you never would have told me the truth.
Perhaps I should have told you how I felt before any of this...

I find myself turning to my blog more and more, posting ever more frequently than I'd have imagined. But there's noone else I can turn to, because these feelings are hidden, I don't want anyone to know.

You seem to be more open with me than you used to, you tell me everything, but this everything includes things that slowly tear away at my heart, you tell me how you met someone, how stunning she is, I try so hard to smile, to put on a happy face for you, but deep inside, I'm dying a little bit more each day...I know what I think is wrong, I should support and be happy for you in all paths that you take, but I can't help it...

I continue questioning every day, why you don't see me, why you don't feel the same way I feel...I look up at that stupid fortune cookie message that says "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you"

You just told me you missed me, but you said that I'm like your little sister. There's no more hope. And perhaps this should be the end of my journey...with you.

Too naive...

2010-09-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

She missed him alot, and continued to check her phone for messages or calls from him, but everytime she checked, it would just end in disappointment.

She was so naive. So naive to think that she was anything more than a friend to him, that he would miss her. But it was all a lie she was making up for herself.

She had to wakeup, to stop dwelling upon such nonsense thoughts, but she couldn't help it, he'd left a permanent marking within her heart, and no matter how hard she scrubbed, it wasn't going to come off.

And when he left her a message, it was because he was told to, not because of his own wanting...

It hurts...

Dear whoever reads this...

2010-09-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

She'd been thinking, not brave enough to put this into words and tell anyone, but it comes to a time where there's just too much bottled inside of her. The other night when she had dropped something off to his brother, she vaguely saw him standing there looking at her from afar. He didn't wave or say hi. There was a part of her that questioned, was he jealous that she didn't stay to see him?

What a fool...

He had sent her an sms later that night saying that he had something to tell her. For a moment that seemed like the flowers were going to suddenly bloom in her garden, her hear stopped. She was a fool to think that he was going to tell her that she liked her or something. For that whole day, she wished, she hoped, she wanted more than anything for her instincts to be correct for once...but these good things never happened to her.

Step back into reality and wake up!

She could no longer wait, as soon as she had arrived home from work that evening, she called him, even though it didn't connect. He called her back soon after she had sent him an sms, her heart raced at 1000 miles per second, expecting that he would say what she had wanted to hear so so much, but it was just a story that he wanted to share...

She smiled for him, but inside...her heart sank...

She sits down to write a note in her diary while talking to him on msn, with various thoughts running through her mind. She thinks,

If I were to disappear one day, If I were to silently step out of your life, would you miss me?　Or would you move on?

They'd become her addiction...without them, She missed him. But with them, the more they talk, the more false hope she got. She knew so clearly, that he had feelings for someone else, but she couldnt help it. It hurt her more than she could put into words, when he told her the answer when he confessed to the girl.
The girl's words cut her like a knife, as much as it hurt for him. She disagreed with the girls' actions, her selfishness and her leading him into a dead end.

There was so much of her that wished to cure his pain, but all she could do was stand beside him, hoping that he would one day forget about the girl and realise HER existence.

I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell you...
Perhaps one day you'll realise I'm here, waiting for you...
"Stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you."

Back to square one...

2010-09-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

You always thought that if you were a good person, that you would find the one for you, you would love them, and they would love you equally. But reality is a cold slap in the face. No matter how much you do for them, they never feel the same way as you.
You think that through his heartbreak and pain, through the tough times and the rain, he would realise your existence, that he would realise you were the one for him, but he tells you that he's met someone and asked for their number, that he thinks that there could be something more, you're on the other end of the line and try to smile, encourage him to do so. But he'll never know that at that very moment, the flame inside your heart, that burns ever so brightly for him, just died out with the droplet of tear from your heart.
All the times you thought that you would finally be the one, that he would finally notice you...It was all just your naivety playing with your mind.
There was never that special spark between you and what he is searching for, because you do not share the same spark, you'll help him through the tunnel into the light, but in order to do so, you choose to sacrifice yourself, and be forever trapped in the darkness.
Everything is back to square one. You are just a spectator on the guidelines, you're like the reserve player, you cheer him on, even though you are the one that wants to join in to his game...
If only you would one day read this and realise I am the one.
If only...
So I continue to question, Where's my happy ever after...?

Please be strong for me...

2010-09-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

I see your sadness and I feel your pain, I'm trying to help you but you keep pushing me away, the more I read about you makes it hard to bear, I wish I could tell you how much I care, but all I can do is stay silent by your side, and support you through all the tough times. If there was ever such a possibility, I transfer all your pain to me.

There's a certain someone close to me who is going through a tough time at the moment, it hurts me so much to see his pain, yet I am incapable of doing anything to help him. I find out things that worry me, that are potentially life threatening, but what can I do to help? I'm so worried, but I don't know what to say, if I tell him, it might lose his trust in me. He always shows me his happy side, hiding away the pain, but I don't want him to bottle it away. I want him to know it is okay...
So much has happened to him and theres so much pressure. but I am worried that things I say to make him feel better will come out the wrong way.
I just hope he can get over this bumpy ride, and know that I'll be around by his side, all of us will be, no matter what happens. Please be strong for us... We love you xoxo.

high expectations? pfft.

2010-05-31T06:12:00.000-07:00

So many times have I had high expectations for simple things, yet people always let me down. What is wrong with people these days?
Yes. I am not happy. I am just tired of trying to act positive every single day to make others happy. I do so much for people and all they do is disappoint me.
Yes. It does hurt me.
Next time, at least ask how I feel before you make a decision about something that involves me. The world doesn't just evolve around you.
The higher your expectations, the harder you fall.

2010-05-31T05:58:00.000-07:00

Day by day, we drift away, the good times we had, no longer stay, so here's a poem of my regret, of the day that we should have never met.

2010-05-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

Whether it be through summer, autumn, winter or spring, you give me the power to smile and sing, of all the happy moments that life may bring, for you and I in almost everything. <3

The cup on the top shelf...

2009-08-09T02:53:00.000-07:00

Me and You.
You're on the very top shelf of the kitchen cupboard.
I know you're sitting right there.
I try to reach for you, but I'm not tall enough.
I reach higher, standing on the tip of my toes but no matter how much and how hard I try, you are still out of reach.
I try to call for you, but you don't reply...it's like you're inanimate...
If I had a stool, you'd be within reach...
but.
there is no stool.

Twilight fantasy...~

2008-08-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

After you read Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer you want your lover to...

-Play piano

-Be able to protect you from oncoming traffic with only his fist

-Quote Romeo & Juliet to you

-Only have eyes for you even when a hot waitress is throwing herself at him

-Not be embarrassed that he only dreams about you (if he could dream, that is)

-To not want to live in this world if you're not in it

-To write a lullaby for you

-To be able to read other people's minds to let you know what is coming

PS:

I love Edward Cullen.

His breath is like a drug....<3

Falling endlessly...

2008-08-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

"If you trip over love, you can always get up, but if you fall in love, you fall forever."

count this...

2008-03-23T05:47:00.000-07:00

A small truth to make our lives 100%. If…
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is equal to…
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 1718 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then…
Hardwork: H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% only
Knowledge: K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% only
Love: L+O+V+E = 12+15+22+5 = 54% only
Luck: L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 = 47% only (don’t most of us think this is most important?)
Then what makes 100%? Is it money? No! Leadership? No! Every problem has a solution. Only if we change our attitude to go to the top. To that 100%. That what we really need to go further, a lil’bit more…
Attitude: A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
It is our Attitude towards life and work that make our life 100%

how ironic.

2008-01-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

Loving the right person at the wrong time,
Having the wrong person when the time is right
Finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life.
& sometimes you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realise that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again.
For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person.
in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else.

a thought...

2008-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

As we all know that the heart is the centre of the body but it beats on the left.
maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right.