i wanna be....

I wanna be the one you hold tight,
I wanna be the one you miss at night,
I wanna be the one you're searching for
I wanna be I wanna be

boy you say that you miss me and the things that we do
your words are driving me crazy
cos thats all im thinking too
but i know your not thinking that way
'cause you remind me everyday

i keep questioning myself,
why didn't i tell you right at the start
that i loved you more than just friends
but i was afraid it'd bring us to the end...

if only you knew what i was searching for
if only you knew who my heart was beating for
if only you could feel the same way as me
if only you could be standin here right next to me....


written by MD

perhaps perhaps perhaps...

Perhaps not talking to you would have been the best option.
Perhaps I should have detached myself away from you.
Perhaps I should have never told you about my instincts so you never would have told me the truth.
Perhaps I should have told you how I felt before any of this...

I find myself turning to my blog more and more, posting ever more frequently than I'd have imagined. But there's noone else I can turn to, because these feelings are hidden, I don't want anyone to know.

You seem to be more open with me than you used to, you tell me everything, but this everything includes things that slowly tear away at my heart, you tell me how you met someone, how stunning she is, I try so hard to smile, to put on a happy face for you, but deep inside, I'm dying a little bit more each day...I know what I think is wrong, I should support and be happy for you in all paths that you take, but I can't help it...

I continue questioning every day, why you don't see me, why you don't feel the same way I feel...I look up at that stupid fortune cookie message that says "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you"

You just told me you missed me, but you said that I'm like your little sister. There's no more hope. And perhaps this should be the end of my journey...with you.

Too naive...

She missed him alot, and continued to check her phone for messages or calls from him, but everytime she checked, it would just end in disappointment.

She was so naive. So naive to think that she was anything more than a friend to him, that he would miss her. But it was all a lie she was making up for herself.

She had to wakeup, to stop dwelling upon such nonsense thoughts, but she couldn't help it, he'd left a permanent marking within her heart, and no matter how hard she scrubbed, it wasn't going to come off.

And when he left her a message, it was because he was told to, not because of his own wanting...

It hurts...

Dear whoever reads this...

She'd been thinking, not brave enough to put this into words and tell anyone, but it comes to a time where there's just too much bottled inside of her. The other night when she had dropped something off to his brother, she vaguely saw him standing there looking at her from afar. He didn't wave or say hi. There was a part of her that questioned, was he jealous that she didn't stay to see him?

What a fool...

He had sent her an sms later that night saying that he had something to tell her. For a moment that seemed like the flowers were going to suddenly bloom in her garden, her hear stopped. She was a fool to think that he was going to tell her that she liked her or something. For that whole day, she wished, she hoped, she wanted more than anything for her instincts to be correct for once...but these good things never happened to her.

Step back into reality and wake up!

She could no longer wait, as soon as she had arrived home from work that evening, she called him, even though it didn't connect. He called her back soon after she had sent him an sms, her heart raced at 1000 miles per second, expecting that he would say what she had wanted to hear so so much, but it was just a story that he wanted to share...

She smiled for him, but inside...her heart sank...

She sits down to write a note in her diary while talking to him on msn, with various thoughts running through her mind. She thinks,

If I were to disappear one day, If I were to silently step out of your life, would you miss me?　Or would you move on?

They'd become her addiction...without them, She missed him. But with them, the more they talk, the more false hope she got. She knew so clearly, that he had feelings for someone else, but she couldnt help it. It hurt her more than she could put into words, when he told her the answer when he confessed to the girl.
The girl's words cut her like a knife, as much as it hurt for him. She disagreed with the girls' actions, her selfishness and her leading him into a dead end.

There was so much of her that wished to cure his pain, but all she could do was stand beside him, hoping that he would one day forget about the girl and realise HER existence.

I don't think I'll ever have the courage to tell you...
Perhaps one day you'll realise I'm here, waiting for you...
"Stop searching forever, happiness is right next to you."

Back to square one...

You always thought that if you were a good person, that you would find the one for you, you would love them, and they would love you equally. But reality is a cold slap in the face. No matter how much you do for them, they never feel the same way as you.
You think that through his heartbreak and pain, through the tough times and the rain, he would realise your existence, that he would realise you were the one for him, but he tells you that he's met someone and asked for their number, that he thinks that there could be something more, you're on the other end of the line and try to smile, encourage him to do so. But he'll never know that at that very moment, the flame inside your heart, that burns ever so brightly for him, just died out with the droplet of tear from your heart.
All the times you thought that you would finally be the one, that he would finally notice you...It was all just your naivety playing with your mind.
There was never that special spark between you and what he is searching for, because you do not share the same spark, you'll help him through the tunnel into the light, but in order to do so, you choose to sacrifice yourself, and be forever trapped in the darkness.
Everything is back to square one. You are just a spectator on the guidelines, you're like the reserve player, you cheer him on, even though you are the one that wants to join in to his game...
If only you would one day read this and realise I am the one.
If only...
So I continue to question, Where's my happy ever after...?

Please be strong for me...

I see your sadness and I feel your pain, I'm trying to help you but you keep pushing me away, the more I read about you makes it hard to bear, I wish I could tell you how much I care, but all I can do is stay silent by your side, and support you through all the tough times. If there was ever such a possibility, I transfer all your pain to me.

There's a certain someone close to me who is going through a tough time at the moment, it hurts me so much to see his pain, yet I am incapable of doing anything to help him. I find out things that worry me, that are potentially life threatening, but what can I do to help? I'm so worried, but I don't know what to say, if I tell him, it might lose his trust in me. He always shows me his happy side, hiding away the pain, but I don't want him to bottle it away. I want him to know it is okay...
So much has happened to him and theres so much pressure. but I am worried that things I say to make him feel better will come out the wrong way.
I just hope he can get over this bumpy ride, and know that I'll be around by his side, all of us will be, no matter what happens. Please be strong for us... We love you xoxo.